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‘Cold and Tense’: 10 Americans on How Politics Changes Relationships

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Ten readers share their stories about the strain today’s politics has put on their family and personal relationships.

A woman in Colorado used to pride herself on engaging political opponents without judgment. But since relatives embraced Covid conspiracy theories while she was doing emergency pandemic response work, she has become viscerally wary of conservatives.

A lifelong Republican in Florida, disillusioned by former President Donald J. Trump, has listened to racist comments from friends and wondered if he ever truly knew them.

Nearly one in five voters said in a recent New York Times/Siena College poll that political divisions had hurt their relationships. After the poll was published, The Times asked readers to share their own experiences. More than 500 people responded, many of them describing friendships and familial ties that had long withstood disagreements, only to crumble over the past few years.

They expressed complex emotions: ambivalence about their choices; confidence that they had made the right calls, but sorrow at the circumstances that had prompted them; longing for a time when political differences felt easier to ignore. The trouble, some said, is that when the issues are as fundamental as democracy or as personal as abortion, it feels impossible to separate politics from core values.

Here is a sampling of the responses, which have been edited and condensed.

Elise Vinson, 33, Loveland, Colo.

“I lost my immediate family to QAnon, far-right extremism and Covid denialism. My grandfather died of Covid, and no one wore masks at his funeral. I was doing emergency response work at the same time my family was reiterating misinformation that I and my co-workers, some committing suicide influenced by the trauma of the work, were liars or dupes. I tried to show them pictures of the refrigerated trucks, the field hospitals, to explain that I wanted them to be safe, but nothing mattered.

“I used to try to meet people where they were at and empathize with their underlying needs. Now every pickup truck I see with a ‘Blue Lives Matter’ sticker — or, like in my town, militia stickers — is a threat waiting to be realized. Every wayward glance from a middle-aged man at Home Depot is silent disapproval of me doing ‘man’s work,’ instead of what my family has explained as my ‘divine role’ as a woman to be pregnant and leave the rest to my husband. Every Second Amendment flag feels like an excuse for school shootings.

“I feel like I can’t trust a single conservative. It will only lead to more pain.”

J.G. Grissom, 63, Florida

“My wife and I were lifelong moderate Republicans who rarely paid attention to politics. Trump’s tone and tenor changed all of that. Many of our friends and family members supported MAGA extremism, its rhetoric and insurrection.

“We avoid contact with them, as they have become unreachable and irrational in their undying devotion to Trump. They have been willing to express racist, homophobic, intolerant, anti-mask, anti-vaccination, irrational viewpoints. We view maintaining and justifying these extremist beliefs as reasons to question their judgment, rational thinking and character.

“My wife fled Cuba in 1965, and we are astounded by the number of similar Cuban relatives who are incapable of seeing the similarities between Trump’s rhetoric and Castro’s. It feels disheartening and unsettling to hear people close to you support a man so clearly flawed and willing to overthrow our democracy. It makes you question if you really ever knew them in the first place.”

Audrey Vera, 33, Oakland, Calif.

“I played bass in a death-rock band for almost five years. We would say that we were like family. I could go to a show and either know someone playing or know people there and feel welcomed. I am a nonbinary lesbian, and my band mates are also queer and trans, so having chosen family is huge.

“I started dating my partner in June 2020, around the time of the George Floyd murder. She works as a cop. I knew that was going to be contentious, so I kept her profession a secret. Throughout that year, they met my girlfriend and never had an issue with her. Around the time the Floyd cop had his trial, my band decided they wanted to write an ‘ACAB’ [‘All Cops Are Bastards’] song, and I finally told them my girlfriend was a cop. They didn’t talk to me for a week and then called to say I wasn’t ‘a fit’ for the band.

“I find it all very disheartening, but mostly so because she became a cop to have an influence on changing the police work force culture and create a safer environment for women, queer and trans people. Before I met her, I never would have thought I would be romantically involved with a cop. But if I hadn’t been open to unpacking my own snap judgments about people who become cops, then I wouldn’t have won the lesbian lottery. It really just speaks to how much your life can get unlocked when your gut goes by what you experience of a person instead of social narratives you’ve been told.”

E.R. Wallerstein, 74, Prairie Village, Kan.

“I lost a good friend of nearly 40 years because he couldn’t stop making every text, every email, every phone call about my being a ‘hater’ for leaning liberal. He even sent me a birthday card with Trump’s photo because he knew it would upset me.

“Finally, I gave him an ultimatum: ‘I never once asked that you reform your political opinions, only that you stop sharing them with me.’ His response? ‘I can’t. I’m having too much fun.’ We haven’t communicated since.

“He was always kind and considerate until Trump was elected. His responses to remarks by high-ranking Democrats quickly became dismissive, cruel and even crude. I naïvely thought our friendship could outlast this, but after years of responding with ‘please stop,’ I realized that getting out of what had become an abusive relationship was my only option.”

Megan Jelinger for The New York Times

George Fisher, 17, Cincinnati

“Developing conservative leanings in a relatively progressive family has been challenging. I’m pro-life, and when I began developing that opinion, people were willing to listen. But with Dobbs v. Jackson, it’s become less political and more personal.

“My cousins, we’ve had some conflict there. They kind of want to distance themselves from me because they view my opinions as so absurd that they would rather not associate. When it takes place digitally versus face to face, they’re different things. I was texting with one of my cousins through Instagram, and it was very hostile. We saw each other recently at a wedding, and we kind of laughed it off. I left social media, and now when I see my cousins, it’s a lot better. There is still awkwardness, but I don’t think it’s a completely ruined relationship.

“Politics can be deeply tied to someone’s values and can be a good judge of character, though it is important not to jump to conclusions. I am pro-life because of my deep reverence and appreciation for life that I derived from my religious background as a Catholic — not because I am anti-woman. I try to apply my same standards to others, but it can be difficult to see someone’s views from their angle.”

Cameron Morris, 30, Chico, Calif.

“He’s a self-proclaimed moderate conservative; I’m just right of being a social democrat. Besides this, we’re very compatible. I wanted to try a romantic relationship — to prove to myself politics didn’t matter — but I couldn’t sustain choosing silence for peace every day when something that provoked me left his mouth.

“It took a toll on my self image. Dismissing the chance to advocate for causes I’ve fought for my whole life to keep the peace in the house pushed me away from a guy who loved me. Even though he loved me for being the silly liberal that I am, I couldn’t return the favor.

“When we broke up, I was left wondering who is the worse person: someone who picks politics over genuine connection or someone who doesn’t ‘believe in feeding the homeless’? He’d never act on such cruel words, but the language he used in our home was gut-wrenching. I couldn’t rise above his beliefs to show to the world that it’s still possible to come together in these crazy times. I thought love was stronger than beliefs — I just found it’s so hard to choose to love someone when their political mind lacks any sense of compassion.”

Jim Wilson/The New York Times

Mari Verano, 43, Vacaville, Calif.

“I ended a personal and professional relationship with someone I had chosen to mentor in graduate school because of the derogatory way he had spoken about people who were upset at Trump being elected — ‘big babies’ — people in marginalized communities that both he and I had worked in.

“I went to graduate school for mental health counseling. His words of utter dismissal and cruelty made me conclude that I could not further associate myself with him without my own reputation as a clinician being compromised.

“However, the Los Angeles City Council scandal was a reminder that just because someone votes Democrat doesn’t necessarily mean they are anti-racist. Sadly, it wasn’t a shock to me, because I have let go of white liberal friends who co-signed racism when racist comments were made toward me on social media.”

Drake Dewey, 23, Timberlake, Ohio

“No one in my family except my mother and my father know that I voted for Trump. They all think that I voted third-party. When any political discussion comes up, I give a very watered-down, moderate answer. I’ve been recommended many times to not get into any political debates with any of my family members.

“A close relative is very keen on her Democratic beliefs, and I don’t really get to express my beliefs around her. Anytime I do, I kind of feel like I’m the black sheep of the family. Another relative is a lot more vocal. She resonates so much with her beliefs that our relationship is completely fractured.

“If I were to open my mouth and say I voted for Trump, she would never, ever speak to me again — I am very sure of that. She doesn’t know, but my views are aligned enough, so I think she’s put two and two together. Ever since the election, it’s just been a very, very cold and tense relationship. Before the election, we were more concerned with enjoying each other’s company. There was a little more warmth, but since the election, I think the warmth has really just gone.”

JoAnn Jacobs, 71, Jacksonville, Fla.

“I am an African American woman. I am also a retired F.D.N.Y. firefighter who was appointed to the first class of women in 1982. We entered burning buildings; we put out dumpster fires; we responded to lockouts and car accidents. We shared bellyaching laughs over practical jokes, and watched and agonized over 18 Super Bowls. But when we disagreed about the death of Eleanor Bumpurs and, many years later, the shooting of Amadou Diallo, I realized there was a true divide that could not or would not be crossed.

“I retired from F.D.N.Y. in 2000 but maintained friendships with two employees. These women were closer to me than my own sister. The fact that I was a Democrat and they were Republican never impeded our friendship. Even though I knew they’d voted for Trump, it wasn’t until the summer of 2020 that I began to question my own integrity if I maintained my friendship with them.

“In June 2020, I wrote letters explaining my feelings, my sadness and reluctance in ending our friendship. I still believed them to be good people. But after the deaths of so many unarmed Black people, I was especially dismayed, given the decades-long friendship we shared, that they did not see beyond the ‘racial divide.’ In essence, they had never really seen me.”

Maureen Penman, 65, Columbus, Ohio

“Every day I remind myself that someone who did not vote as I did put out food and water for a little stray cat. I once busted my tail clearing invasive plants from a local park with a guy whose T-shirt showed a different political affiliation than mine. The volunteer who leads yoga classes for cancer patients is not of my party.

“These are the things that I have to focus on if I am going to contribute anything good to the world, rather than curl in on myself in anger. Every hour, a thousand kindnesses are being done by someone who does not vote as I do. Yes, it’s a struggle and I am not immune to bouts of despair, rage and anxiety. But I am going to do all I can not to cave in to my baser angel.”

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Moe visiting Yorkton as Saskatchewan election campaign continues

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Saskatchewan Party Leader Scott Moe is set to be on the road today as the provincial election campaign continues.

Moe is set to speak in the city of Yorkton about affordability measures this morning before travelling to the nearby village of Theodore for an event with the local Saskatchewan Party candidate.

NDP Leader Carla Beck doesn’t have any events scheduled, though several party candidates are to hold press conferences.

On Thursday, Moe promised a directive banning “biological boys” from using school changing rooms with “biological girls” if re-elected.

The NDP said the Saskatchewan Party was punching down on vulnerable children.

Election day is Oct. 28.

This report by The Canadian Press was first published Oct. 18, 2024.

The Canadian Press. All rights reserved.

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Saskatchewan Party’s Moe pledges change room ban in schools; Beck calls it desperate

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REGINA – Saskatchewan Party Leader Scott Moe is promising a directive banning “biological boys” from using school changing rooms with “biological girls” if re-elected, a move the NDP’s Carla Beck says weaponizes vulnerable kids.

Moe made the pledge Thursday at a campaign stop in Regina. He said it was in response to a complaint that two biological males had changed for gym class with girls at a school in southeast Saskatchewan.

He said the ban would be his first order of business if he’s voted again as premier on Oct. 28.

It was not previously included in his party’s campaign platform document.

“I’ll be very clear, there will be a directive that would come from the minister of education that would say that biological boys will not be in the change room with biological girls,” Moe said.

He added school divisions should already have change room policies, but a provincial directive would ensure all have the rule in place.

Asked about the rights of gender-diverse youth, Moe said other children also have rights.

“What about the rights of all the other girls that are changing in that very change room? They have rights as well,” he said, followed by cheers and claps.

The complaint was made at a school with the Prairie Valley School Division. The division said in a statement it doesn’t comment on specific situations that could jeopardize student privacy and safety.

“We believe all students should have the opportunity to learn and grow in a safe and welcoming learning environment,” it said.

“Our policies and procedures align with the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, the Canadian Human Rights Act and the Saskatchewan Human Rights Code.”

Asked about Moe’s proposal, Beck said it would make vulnerable kids more vulnerable.

Moe is desperate to stoke fear and division after having a bad night during Wednesday’s televised leaders’ debate, she said.

“Saskatchewan people, when we’re at our best, are people that come together and deliver results, not divisive, ugly politics like we’ve seen time and again from Scott Moe and the Sask. Party,” Beck said.

“If you see leaders holding so much power choosing to punch down on vulnerable kids, that tells you everything you need to know about them.”

Beck said voters have more pressing education issues on their minds, including the need for smaller classrooms, more teaching staff and increased supports for students.

People also want better health care and to be able to afford gas and groceries, she added.

“We don’t have to agree to understand Saskatchewan people deserve better,” Beck said.

The Saskatchewan Party government passed legislation last year that requires parents consent to children under 16 using different names or pronouns at school.

The law has faced backlash from some LGBTQ+ advocates, who argue it violates Charter rights and could cause teachers to out or misgender children.

Beck has said if elected her party would repeal that legislation.

Heather Kuttai, a former commissioner with the Saskatchewan Human Rights Commission who resigned last year in protest of the law, said Moe is trying to sway right-wing voters.

She said a change room directive would put more pressure on teachers who already don’t have enough educational support.

“It sounds like desperation to me,” she said.

“It sounds like Scott Moe is nervous about the election and is turning to homophobic and transphobic rhetoric to appeal to far-right voters.

“It’s divisive politics, which is a shame.”

She said she worries about the future of gender-affirming care in a province that once led in human rights.

“We’re the kind of people who dig each other out of snowbanks and not spew hatred about each other,” she said. “At least that’s what I want to still believe.”

Also Thursday, two former Saskatchewan Party government members announced they’re endorsing Beck — Mark Docherty, who retired last year and was a Speaker, and Glen Hart, who retired in 2020.

Ian Hanna, a speech writer and senior political adviser to former Saskatchewan Party premier Brad Wall, also endorsed Beck.

Earlier in the campaign, Beck received support from former Speaker Randy Weekes, who quit the Saskatchewan Party earlier this year after accusing caucus members of bullying.

This report by The Canadian Press was first published Oct. 17, 2024.

— With files from Aaron Sousa in Edmonton

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Promise tracker: What the Saskatchewan Party and NDP pledge to do if they win Oct. 28

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REGINA – Saskatchewan‘s provincial election is on Oct. 28. Here’s a look at some of the campaign promises made by the two major parties:

Saskatchewan Party

— Continue withholding federal carbon levy payments to Ottawa on natural gas until the end of 2025.

— Reduce personal income tax rates over four years; a family of four would save $3,400.

— Double the Active Families Benefit to $300 per child per year and the benefit for children with disabilities to $400 a year.

— Direct all school divisions to ban “biological boys” from girls’ change rooms in schools.

— Increase the First-Time Homebuyers Tax Credit to $15,000 from $10,000.

— Reintroduce the Home Renovation Tax Credit, allowing homeowners to claim up to $4,000 in renovation costs on their income taxes; seniors could claim up to $5,000.

— Extend coverage for insulin pumps and diabetes supplies to seniors and young adults

— Provide a 50 per cent refundable tax credit — up to $10,000 — to help cover the cost of a first fertility treatment.

— Hire 100 new municipal officers and 70 more officers with the Saskatchewan Marshals Service.

— Amend legislation to provide police with more authority to address intoxication, vandalism and disturbances on public property.

— Platform cost of $1.2 billion, with deficits in the first three years and a small surplus in 2027.

NDP

— Pause the 15-cent-a-litre gas tax for six months, saving an average family about $350.

— Remove the provincial sales tax from children’s clothes and ready-to-eat grocery items like rotisserie chickens and granola bars.

— Pass legislation to limit how often and how much landlords can raise rent.

— Repeal the law that requires parental consent when children under 16 want to change their names or pronouns at school.

— Launch a provincewide school nutrition program.

— Build more schools and reduce classroom sizes.

— Hire 800 front-line health-care workers in areas most in need.

— Launch an accountability commission to investigate cost overruns for government projects.

— Scrap the marshals service.

— Hire 100 Mounties and expand detox services.

— Platform cost of $3.5 billion, with small deficits in the first three years and a small surplus in the fourth year.

This report by The Canadian Press was first published Oct .17, 2024.

The Canadian Press. All rights reserved.

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