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‘Cold and Tense’: 10 Americans on How Politics Changes Relationships

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Ten readers share their stories about the strain today’s politics has put on their family and personal relationships.

A woman in Colorado used to pride herself on engaging political opponents without judgment. But since relatives embraced Covid conspiracy theories while she was doing emergency pandemic response work, she has become viscerally wary of conservatives.

A lifelong Republican in Florida, disillusioned by former President Donald J. Trump, has listened to racist comments from friends and wondered if he ever truly knew them.

Nearly one in five voters said in a recent New York Times/Siena College poll that political divisions had hurt their relationships. After the poll was published, The Times asked readers to share their own experiences. More than 500 people responded, many of them describing friendships and familial ties that had long withstood disagreements, only to crumble over the past few years.

They expressed complex emotions: ambivalence about their choices; confidence that they had made the right calls, but sorrow at the circumstances that had prompted them; longing for a time when political differences felt easier to ignore. The trouble, some said, is that when the issues are as fundamental as democracy or as personal as abortion, it feels impossible to separate politics from core values.

Here is a sampling of the responses, which have been edited and condensed.

Elise Vinson, 33, Loveland, Colo.

“I lost my immediate family to QAnon, far-right extremism and Covid denialism. My grandfather died of Covid, and no one wore masks at his funeral. I was doing emergency response work at the same time my family was reiterating misinformation that I and my co-workers, some committing suicide influenced by the trauma of the work, were liars or dupes. I tried to show them pictures of the refrigerated trucks, the field hospitals, to explain that I wanted them to be safe, but nothing mattered.

“I used to try to meet people where they were at and empathize with their underlying needs. Now every pickup truck I see with a ‘Blue Lives Matter’ sticker — or, like in my town, militia stickers — is a threat waiting to be realized. Every wayward glance from a middle-aged man at Home Depot is silent disapproval of me doing ‘man’s work,’ instead of what my family has explained as my ‘divine role’ as a woman to be pregnant and leave the rest to my husband. Every Second Amendment flag feels like an excuse for school shootings.

“I feel like I can’t trust a single conservative. It will only lead to more pain.”

J.G. Grissom, 63, Florida

“My wife and I were lifelong moderate Republicans who rarely paid attention to politics. Trump’s tone and tenor changed all of that. Many of our friends and family members supported MAGA extremism, its rhetoric and insurrection.

“We avoid contact with them, as they have become unreachable and irrational in their undying devotion to Trump. They have been willing to express racist, homophobic, intolerant, anti-mask, anti-vaccination, irrational viewpoints. We view maintaining and justifying these extremist beliefs as reasons to question their judgment, rational thinking and character.

“My wife fled Cuba in 1965, and we are astounded by the number of similar Cuban relatives who are incapable of seeing the similarities between Trump’s rhetoric and Castro’s. It feels disheartening and unsettling to hear people close to you support a man so clearly flawed and willing to overthrow our democracy. It makes you question if you really ever knew them in the first place.”

Audrey Vera, 33, Oakland, Calif.

“I played bass in a death-rock band for almost five years. We would say that we were like family. I could go to a show and either know someone playing or know people there and feel welcomed. I am a nonbinary lesbian, and my band mates are also queer and trans, so having chosen family is huge.

“I started dating my partner in June 2020, around the time of the George Floyd murder. She works as a cop. I knew that was going to be contentious, so I kept her profession a secret. Throughout that year, they met my girlfriend and never had an issue with her. Around the time the Floyd cop had his trial, my band decided they wanted to write an ‘ACAB’ [‘All Cops Are Bastards’] song, and I finally told them my girlfriend was a cop. They didn’t talk to me for a week and then called to say I wasn’t ‘a fit’ for the band.

“I find it all very disheartening, but mostly so because she became a cop to have an influence on changing the police work force culture and create a safer environment for women, queer and trans people. Before I met her, I never would have thought I would be romantically involved with a cop. But if I hadn’t been open to unpacking my own snap judgments about people who become cops, then I wouldn’t have won the lesbian lottery. It really just speaks to how much your life can get unlocked when your gut goes by what you experience of a person instead of social narratives you’ve been told.”

E.R. Wallerstein, 74, Prairie Village, Kan.

“I lost a good friend of nearly 40 years because he couldn’t stop making every text, every email, every phone call about my being a ‘hater’ for leaning liberal. He even sent me a birthday card with Trump’s photo because he knew it would upset me.

“Finally, I gave him an ultimatum: ‘I never once asked that you reform your political opinions, only that you stop sharing them with me.’ His response? ‘I can’t. I’m having too much fun.’ We haven’t communicated since.

“He was always kind and considerate until Trump was elected. His responses to remarks by high-ranking Democrats quickly became dismissive, cruel and even crude. I naïvely thought our friendship could outlast this, but after years of responding with ‘please stop,’ I realized that getting out of what had become an abusive relationship was my only option.”

Megan Jelinger for The New York Times

George Fisher, 17, Cincinnati

“Developing conservative leanings in a relatively progressive family has been challenging. I’m pro-life, and when I began developing that opinion, people were willing to listen. But with Dobbs v. Jackson, it’s become less political and more personal.

“My cousins, we’ve had some conflict there. They kind of want to distance themselves from me because they view my opinions as so absurd that they would rather not associate. When it takes place digitally versus face to face, they’re different things. I was texting with one of my cousins through Instagram, and it was very hostile. We saw each other recently at a wedding, and we kind of laughed it off. I left social media, and now when I see my cousins, it’s a lot better. There is still awkwardness, but I don’t think it’s a completely ruined relationship.

“Politics can be deeply tied to someone’s values and can be a good judge of character, though it is important not to jump to conclusions. I am pro-life because of my deep reverence and appreciation for life that I derived from my religious background as a Catholic — not because I am anti-woman. I try to apply my same standards to others, but it can be difficult to see someone’s views from their angle.”

Cameron Morris, 30, Chico, Calif.

“He’s a self-proclaimed moderate conservative; I’m just right of being a social democrat. Besides this, we’re very compatible. I wanted to try a romantic relationship — to prove to myself politics didn’t matter — but I couldn’t sustain choosing silence for peace every day when something that provoked me left his mouth.

“It took a toll on my self image. Dismissing the chance to advocate for causes I’ve fought for my whole life to keep the peace in the house pushed me away from a guy who loved me. Even though he loved me for being the silly liberal that I am, I couldn’t return the favor.

“When we broke up, I was left wondering who is the worse person: someone who picks politics over genuine connection or someone who doesn’t ‘believe in feeding the homeless’? He’d never act on such cruel words, but the language he used in our home was gut-wrenching. I couldn’t rise above his beliefs to show to the world that it’s still possible to come together in these crazy times. I thought love was stronger than beliefs — I just found it’s so hard to choose to love someone when their political mind lacks any sense of compassion.”

Jim Wilson/The New York Times

Mari Verano, 43, Vacaville, Calif.

“I ended a personal and professional relationship with someone I had chosen to mentor in graduate school because of the derogatory way he had spoken about people who were upset at Trump being elected — ‘big babies’ — people in marginalized communities that both he and I had worked in.

“I went to graduate school for mental health counseling. His words of utter dismissal and cruelty made me conclude that I could not further associate myself with him without my own reputation as a clinician being compromised.

“However, the Los Angeles City Council scandal was a reminder that just because someone votes Democrat doesn’t necessarily mean they are anti-racist. Sadly, it wasn’t a shock to me, because I have let go of white liberal friends who co-signed racism when racist comments were made toward me on social media.”

Drake Dewey, 23, Timberlake, Ohio

“No one in my family except my mother and my father know that I voted for Trump. They all think that I voted third-party. When any political discussion comes up, I give a very watered-down, moderate answer. I’ve been recommended many times to not get into any political debates with any of my family members.

“A close relative is very keen on her Democratic beliefs, and I don’t really get to express my beliefs around her. Anytime I do, I kind of feel like I’m the black sheep of the family. Another relative is a lot more vocal. She resonates so much with her beliefs that our relationship is completely fractured.

“If I were to open my mouth and say I voted for Trump, she would never, ever speak to me again — I am very sure of that. She doesn’t know, but my views are aligned enough, so I think she’s put two and two together. Ever since the election, it’s just been a very, very cold and tense relationship. Before the election, we were more concerned with enjoying each other’s company. There was a little more warmth, but since the election, I think the warmth has really just gone.”

JoAnn Jacobs, 71, Jacksonville, Fla.

“I am an African American woman. I am also a retired F.D.N.Y. firefighter who was appointed to the first class of women in 1982. We entered burning buildings; we put out dumpster fires; we responded to lockouts and car accidents. We shared bellyaching laughs over practical jokes, and watched and agonized over 18 Super Bowls. But when we disagreed about the death of Eleanor Bumpurs and, many years later, the shooting of Amadou Diallo, I realized there was a true divide that could not or would not be crossed.

“I retired from F.D.N.Y. in 2000 but maintained friendships with two employees. These women were closer to me than my own sister. The fact that I was a Democrat and they were Republican never impeded our friendship. Even though I knew they’d voted for Trump, it wasn’t until the summer of 2020 that I began to question my own integrity if I maintained my friendship with them.

“In June 2020, I wrote letters explaining my feelings, my sadness and reluctance in ending our friendship. I still believed them to be good people. But after the deaths of so many unarmed Black people, I was especially dismayed, given the decades-long friendship we shared, that they did not see beyond the ‘racial divide.’ In essence, they had never really seen me.”

Maureen Penman, 65, Columbus, Ohio

“Every day I remind myself that someone who did not vote as I did put out food and water for a little stray cat. I once busted my tail clearing invasive plants from a local park with a guy whose T-shirt showed a different political affiliation than mine. The volunteer who leads yoga classes for cancer patients is not of my party.

“These are the things that I have to focus on if I am going to contribute anything good to the world, rather than curl in on myself in anger. Every hour, a thousand kindnesses are being done by someone who does not vote as I do. Yes, it’s a struggle and I am not immune to bouts of despair, rage and anxiety. But I am going to do all I can not to cave in to my baser angel.”

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Virginia Democrats advance efforts to protect abortion, voting rights, marriage equality

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RICHMOND, Va. (AP) — Democrats who control both chambers of the Virginia legislature are hoping to make good on promises made on the campaign trail, including becoming the first Southern state to expand constitutional protections for abortion access.

The House Privileges and Elections Committee advanced three proposed constitutional amendments Wednesday, including a measure to protect reproductive rights. Its members also discussed measures to repeal a now-defunct state constitutional ban on same-sex marriage and ways to revise Virginia’s process to restore voting rights for people who served time for felony crimes.

“This meeting was an important next step considering the moment in history we find ourselves in,” Democratic Del. Cia Price, the committee chair, said during a news conference. “We have urgent threats to our freedoms that could impact constituents in all of the districts we serve.”

The at-times raucous meeting will pave the way for the House and Senate to take up the resolutions early next year after lawmakers tabled the measures last January. Democrats previously said the move was standard practice, given that amendments are typically introduced in odd-numbered years. But Republican Minority Leader Todd Gilbert said Wednesday the committee should not have delved into the amendments before next year’s legislative session. He said the resolutions, particularly the abortion amendment, need further vetting.

“No one who is still serving remembers it being done in this way ever,” Gilbert said after the meeting. “Certainly not for something this important. This is as big and weighty an issue as it gets.”

The Democrats’ legislative lineup comes after Republican Governor Glenn Youngkin, to the dismay of voting-rights advocates, rolled back a process to restore people’s civil rights after they completed sentences for felonies. Virginia is the only state that permanently bans anyone convicted of a felony from voting unless a governor restores their rights.

“This amendment creates a process that is bounded by transparent rules and criteria that will apply to everybody — it’s not left to the discretion of a single individual,” Del. Elizabeth Bennett-Parker, the patron of the voting rights resolution, which passed along party lines, said at the news conference.

Though Democrats have sparred with the governor over their legislative agenda, constitutional amendments put forth by lawmakers do not require his signature, allowing the Democrat-led House and Senate to bypass Youngkin’s blessing.

Instead, the General Assembly must pass proposed amendments twice in at least two years, with a legislative election sandwiched between each statehouse session. After that, the public can vote by referendum on the issues. The cumbersome process will likely hinge upon the success of all three amendments on Democrats’ ability to preserve their edge in the House and Senate, where they hold razor-thin majorities.

It’s not the first time lawmakers have attempted to champion the three amendments. Republicans in a House subcommittee killed a constitutional amendment to restore voting rights in 2022, a year after the measure passed in a Democrat-led House. The same subcommittee also struck down legislation supporting a constitutional amendment to repeal an amendment from 2006 banning marriage equality.

On Wednesday, a bipartisan group of lawmakers voted 16-5 in favor of legislation protecting same-sex marriage, with four Republicans supporting the resolution.

“To say the least, voters enacted this (amendment) in 2006, and we have had 100,000 voters a year become of voting age since then,” said Del. Mark Sickles, who sponsored the amendment as one of the first openly gay men serving in the General Assembly. “Many people have changed their opinions of this as the years have passed.”

A constitutional amendment protecting abortion previously passed the Senate in 2023 but died in a Republican-led House. On Wednesday, the amendment passed on party lines.

If successful, the resolution proposed by House Majority Leader Charniele Herring would be part of a growing trend of reproductive rights-related ballot questions given to voters. Since 2022, 18 questions have gone before voters across the U.S., and they have sided with abortion rights advocates 14 times.

The voters have approved constitutional amendments ensuring the right to abortion until fetal viability in nine states: Arizona, California, Colorado, Maryland, Michigan, Missouri, Montana, Ohio and Vermont. Voters also passed a right-to-abortion measure in Nevada in 2024, but it must be passed again in 2026 to be added to the state constitution.

As lawmakers debated the measure, roughly 18 members spoke. Mercedes Perkins, at 38 weeks pregnant, described the importance of women making decisions about their own bodies. Rhea Simon, another Virginia resident, anecdotally described how reproductive health care shaped her life.

Then all at once, more than 50 people lined up to speak against the abortion amendment.

“Let’s do the compassionate thing and care for mothers and all unborn children,” resident Sheila Furey said.

The audience gave a collective “Amen,” followed by a round of applause.

___

Associated Press writer Geoff Mulvihill in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, contributed to this report.

___

Olivia Diaz is a corps member for The Associated Press/Report for America Statehouse News Initiative.

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Trump chooses anti-vaccine activist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as health secretary

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NEW YORK (AP) — President-elect Donald Trump says he will nominate anti-vaccine activist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to lead the Department of Health and Human Services, putting him in charge of a massive agency that oversees everything from drug, vaccine and food safety to medical research and the social safety net programs Medicare and Medicaid.

“For too long, Americans have been crushed by the industrial food complex and drug companies who have engaged in deception, misinformation, and disinformation when it comes to Public Health,” Trump said in a post on his Truth Social site announcing the appointment. Kennedy, he said, would “Make America Great and Healthy Again!”

Kennedy, a former Democrat who ran as an independent in this year’s presidential race, abandoned his bid after striking a deal to give Trump his endorsement with a promise to have a role in health policy in the administration.

He and Trump have since become good friends, with Kennedy frequently receiving loud applause at Trump’s rallies.

The expected appointment was first reported by Politico Thursday.

A longtime vaccine skeptic, Kennedy is an attorney who has built a loyal following over several decades of people who admire his lawsuits against major pesticide and pharmaceutical companies. He has pushed for tighter regulations around the ingredients in foods.

With the Trump campaign, he worked to shore up support among young mothers in particular, with his message of making food healthier in the U.S., promising to model regulations imposed in Europe. In a nod to Trump’s original campaign slogan, he named the effort “Make America Healthy Again.”

It remains unclear how that will square with Trump’s history of deregulation of big industries, including food. Trump pushed for fewer inspections of the meat industry, for example.

Kennedy’s stance on vaccines has also made him a controversial figure among Democrats and some Republicans, raising question about his ability to get confirmed, even in a GOP-controlled Senate. Kennedy has espoused misinformation around the safety of vaccines, including pushing a totally discredited theory that childhood vaccines cause autism.

He also has said he would recommend removing fluoride from drinking water. The addition of the material has been cited as leading to improved dental health.

HHS has more than 80,000 employees across the country. It houses the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the Medicare and Medicaid programs and the National Institutes of Health.

Kennedy’s anti-vaccine nonprofit group, Children’s Health Defense, currently has a lawsuit pending against a number of news organizations, among them The Associated Press, accusing them of violating antitrust laws by taking action to identify misinformation, including about COVID-19 and COVID-19 vaccines. Kennedy took leave from the group when he announced his run for president but is listed as one of its attorneys in the lawsuit.

__ Seitz reported from Washington.

The Canadian Press. All rights reserved.

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In Cyprus, Ukrainians learn how to dispose of landmines that kill and maim hundreds

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NICOSIA, Cyprus (AP) — In a Cypriot National Guard camp, Ukrainians are being trained on how to identify, locate and dispose of landmines and other unexploded munitions that litter huge swaths of their country, killing and maiming hundreds of people, including children.

Analysts say Ukraine is among the countries that are the most affected by landmines and discarded explosives, as a result of Russia’s ongoing war.

According to U.N. figures, some 399 people have been killed and 915 wounded from landmines and other munitions since Russia’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine on Feb. 24, 2022, equal to the number of casualties reported from 2014-2021. More than 1 in 10 of those casualties have been children.

The economic impact is costing billions to the Ukrainian economy. Landmines and other munitions are preventing the sowing of 5 million hectares, or 10%, of the country’s agricultural land.

Cyprus stepped up to offer its facilities as part of the European Union’s Military Assistance Mission to Ukraine. So far, almost 100 Ukrainian armed forces personnel have taken part in three training cycles over the last two years, said Cyprus Foreign Ministry spokesperson Theodoros Gotsis.

“We are committed to continuing this support for as long as it takes,” Gotsis told the Associated Press, adding that the Cyprus government has covered the 250,000 euro ($262,600) training cost.

Cyprus opted to offer such training owing to its own landmine issues dating back five decades when the island nation was ethnically divided when Turkey invaded following a coup that sought union with Greece. The United Nations has removed some 27,000 landmines from a buffer zone that cuts across the island, but minefields remain on either side. The Cypriot government says it has disposed of all anti-personnel mines in line with its obligations under an international treaty that bans the use of such munitions.

In Cyprus, Ukrainians undergo rigorous theoretical and practical training over a five-week Basic Demining and Clearance course that includes instruction on distinguishing and safely handling landmines and other explosive munitions, such as rockets, 155 mm artillery shells, rocket-propelled grenades and mortar shells.

Theoretical training uses inert munitions identical to the actual explosives.

Most of the course is comprised of hands-on training focusing on the on-site destruction of unexploded munitions using explosives, the chief training officer told the Associated Press. The officer spoke on condition of anonymity because he’s not authorized to disclose his identity for security reasons.

“They’re trained on ordnance disposal using real explosives,” the officer said. “That will be the trainees’ primary task when they return.”

Cypriot officials said the Ukrainian trainees did not want to be either interviewed or photographed.

Defusing discarded munitions or landmines in areas where explosive charges can’t be used — for instance, near a hospital — is not part of this course because that’s the task of highly trained teams of disposal experts whose training can last as long as eight months, the officer said.

Trainees, divided into groups of eight, are taught how to operate metal detectors and other tools for detecting munitions like prodders — long, thin rods which are used to gently probe beneath the ground’s surface in search of landmines and other explosive ordnance.

Another tool is a feeler, a rod that’s used to detect booby-trapped munitions. There are many ways to booby-trap such munitions, unlike landmines which require direct pressure to detonate.

“Booby-trapped munitions are a widespread phenomenon in Ukraine,” the chief training officer explained.

Training, primarily conducted by experts from other European Union countries, takes place both in forested and urban areas at different army camps and follows strict safety protocols.

The short, intense training period keeps the Ukrainians focused.

“You see the interest they show during instruction: they ask questions, they want to know what mistakes they’ve made and the correct way of doing it,” the officer said.

Humanitarian data and analysis group ACAPS said in a Jan. 2024 report that 174,000 sq. kilometers (67,182 sq. miles) or nearly 29% of Ukraine’s territory needs to be surveyed for landmines and other explosive ordnance.

More than 10 million people are said to live in areas where demining action is needed.

Since 2022, Russian forces have used at least 13 types of anti-personnel mines, which target people. Russia never signed the 1997 Ottawa Convention banning the use of anti-personnel mines, but the use of such mines is nonetheless considered a violation of its obligations under international law.

Russia also uses 13 types of anti-tank mines.

The International Campaign to Ban Landmines said in its 2023 Landmine Monitor report that Ukrainian government forces may have also used antipersonnel landmines in contravention of the Mine Ban Treaty in and around the city of Izium during 2022, when the city was under Russian control.

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