Much like the art of French cooking, the art of stress eating can be honed through practice, proper technique, and watching the evening news in a state of panic.
Here are some of my favorite dishes that you can prepare while crying into your Le Creuset.
Ratatouille
This classic Provençal dish showcases fresh summer produce. If you don’t have fresh vegetables on hand, you can easily substitute Cheetos.
Get the best Cheetos you can find that are in season. If the package says “Flamin’ Hot” or lists “Yellow 6” as a main ingredient, you’ll know they’re the right ones.
In a baking dish, arrange the Cheetos in the following pattern: one layer of Cheetos; one layer of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos; repeat, alternating the Cheetos with the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
Take special care to include different Cheeto shapes and textures, and reasons why you can’t sleep at night. Mounting tensions between superpowers? Our enormous stockpile of nuclear weapons? How to politely decline a social invitation without offending the host? Toss them all in. You’ll know the dish is ready when a finger dipped in the center of it comes out DEFCON orange.
Canapé
“Canapé” is just a fancy French term for “I can’t be bothered with utensils.” And when it comes to stress eating you’ll want to dispense with formalities such as silverware and plates, and opt for something more practical, like using your palm as a serving bowl.
Nutella
Your fingers
Potato chips
Plunge a finger into a jar of Nutella and then transfer it directly into your mouth. Some Nutella will naturally dribble down your chin; reserve this. It will taste even better the next day.
While using one hand to dip into the Nutella, use the other to flip through today’s paper. Continue until you find yourself boiling with anger but unable to articulate any intelligent thoughts besides “Argh!” and “Ugh!”
For a sweet and savory treat, dip some potato chips into the Nutella. If you accidentally drop chips down the front of your shirt, don’t worry. Just pluck those gooey chips from your cleavage and pop them right back into your mouth. Yum!
Bouillabaisse
This Mediterranean fish stew is so easy to make that you can leave it bubbling on the stovetop while you go and do something relaxing, like eating leftover lamb chops straight from the fridge.
Assorted fresh fish and shellfish
Leftover lamb chops (any cut of red meat will do, as long as it’s cold)
Add fish to pot.
Eat a cold lamb chop.
Eat another cold lamb chop.
One more.
Take a moment to use your shirt collar as a napkin. Have another chop.
Allow yourself to rest. Use this time to stare blankly out a window as you contemplate the possibility of World War III breaking out. Mon Dieu!
Bœuf Bourguignonne
This classic French stew is made by simmering beef in red wine for hours. But a bottle of French red wine is something you can enjoy right now.
Serves one person.
A bottle of red wine that, miraculously, you haven’t polished off yet
Pour wine into a nice stemmed glass. Remember: the presentation of a dish can elevate your day drinking. So go ahead and break out the crystal. The intricate patterns cut into the glass will go nicely with the worry lines engraved on your forehead.
Let your thoughts swirl as you wonder if you’ve waited too long to respond to that invitation and now everyone will know that you’re a flake. Chide yourself for worrying about social etiquette at a time like this. You won’t have to worry about tardy R.S.V.P.s when Armageddon arrives.
Open another bottle of wine.
Allow your emotions to cool before helping yourself to the remaining Nutella on your chin.
Bon appétit! ♦
